God seems to save me whenever I go down.
The logic of it eludes and the shame of it irritates me.
I hate that I'm unable to keep myself
It seems that I have the power to act
But then something goes wrong, such that I need to be rescued,
such that I have to ask God to intervene yet again . . .
It's so hard to ask! To take back my indifference. To admit
defeat. To admit reliance.
I guess this is the kind of pride that results in extermination . . .
I try . . .
but getting on my knees seems sacrosanct to hypocrisy! Like,
how can I pray for others when I can't even bring myself to kneel in solitude?
Humility you say . . . but my lack thereof is transparent so prayer seems farcical.
Surely God will see through such an act and will resent me for it!
For so many years my buried anger has festered (There is no equality on earth,
and it appears that there is no equality in heaven) I have no problem loving
regardless of whether the person's gifts are more numerous or less than mine. I
don't even notice. Acceptance and an understanding heart controls.
Ethnic cleansing exists because pride leads to wickedness?
The power of the ruler exists because the subjects freely give irrevocable loyalty.
Faith is the power by which God keeps the universe in order
So faith is irrevocable, unquestioning loyalty, in the face of unverifiable belief?
But I question!
I question everything!
And no matter how strongly I believe something to be true, I reserve a doubt in case I am wrong!
Is that pride? Have I no faith? Where is my loyalty?
Does God not love the son who questions? Is he just an irritating child worthy of condemnation?
Where is the balance? Self:
confidence - loathing . . . pride - humility . . . love - hate
can I face my God father without balance? Will he help me achieve it?
What about my Goddess mother? She must love me with a tenderness that instills
enough confidence to face him. Shall I pray to her first?
Is it allowed? Will she answer? I think I miss her and wish for her comforting smile.
I don't want to be proud to a fault!
I just want enough confidence to be fearless.
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