What to do when again my internal living betrays
me, my heart, my beloved, my friend
Subconscious spirits disturb sleep nightly conjuring ghostly voices screaming past transgressions, inducing fears of future advantage, obliterating present presence, yet facilitating the stormy advantage of surviving creativity
Can analysis ever be mollified, enough to allow living simply. . . habituated explanation dissolved, enough to allow peaceful honesty. . . misjudgment reduced, enough to allow fearless pleasure . . . misunderstanding forgiven, enough to allow uninterrupted love?
Total disengagement seems like the only complete solution but it is so permanent and allows no room for circumstantial mistake. . . self imposed exile though apparently comfortable offers only temporary escape soon to be replaced by bitter loneliness. There is no escape . . . perhaps only fierce engagement controls?
Why is my love so closed when I so desire it to be open? What it this pain that I make for myself? Punishment? Loathing? Envy? Fear of losing? Fear of actually winning? Even as I write this I have no idea the answers!
Do I control weather or does it me? Is it that I feel happy when it's bright and mild and sad when it's dreary and cold - or - that it is it bright and mild when I feel happy and dreary and cold when I'm sad.
It's been raining a lot lately.
Today I will run away . . . Today I will stay and fight . . . Today I simply suffer the disappointment . . . Today I will be the kind protector . . . Today I will rise above my circumstance and become divested of the consequence. . . Today these ghostly voices shall leave me . . . in peace . . . forever!
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