Pride
by Stormcat
God seems to save
me whenever I go down.
The logic of it
eludes and the shame of it irritates me.
I hate that I'm
unable to keep myself
It seems that I
have the power to act
But then
something goes wrong, such that I need to be rescued,
such that I have
to ask God to intervene yet again . . .
It's so hard to ask! To take back my indifference. To admit
defeat. To admit
reliance.
I guess this is
the kind of pride that results in extermination . . .
I try . . .
but getting on my
knees seems sacrosanct to hypocrisy! Like,
how can I pray
for others when I can't even bring myself to kneel in solitude?
Humility you say
. . . but my lack thereof is transparent so prayer seems farcical.
Surely God will
see through such an act and will resent me for it!
For so many years
my buried anger has festered (There is no equality on earth,
and it appears
that there is no equality in heaven) I have no problem loving
regardless of
whether the person's gifts are more numerous or less than mine. I
don't even
notice. Acceptance and an understanding heart controls.
Ethnic cleansing
exists because pride leads to wickedness?
The power of the
ruler exists because the subjects freely give irrevocable loyalty.
Faith is the
power by which God keeps the universe in order
So faith is
irrevocable, unquestioning loyalty, in the face of unverifiable belief?
But I question!
I question
everything!
And no matter how
strongly I believe something to be true, I reserve a doubt in case I am wrong!
Is that pride?
Have I no faith? Where is my loyalty?
Does God not love
the son who questions? Is he just an irritating child worthy of condemnation?
Where is the
balance? Self:
confidence -
loathing . . . pride - humility . . .
love - hate
can I face my God
father without balance? Will he help me achieve it?
What about my
Goddess mother? She must love me with a tenderness that instills
enough
confidence to face him. Shall I pray to
her first?
Is it allowed? Will she answer? I think I miss her and wish for her
comforting smile.
I don't want to
be proud to a fault!
I just want
enough confidence to be fearless.
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Nothing wrong with questioning and doubting ~ And nothing wrong with asking for help either from the father or the goddess mother ~ I want to be fearless too but inside, I don't think I am ~ Enjoyed your musings ~
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think everyone should have a questioning attitude towards their beliefs. I don't appreciate blind faith because it usually crumbles under closer scrutiny. I like this poem because it creates a picture where the speaker is taking first steps towards looking at his belief/faith more closely and realizing that though there are moments when he has, crudely speaking, deserted his god, there have also been moments of weakness when he has missed that sort of supernatural support of the divine.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very intriguing and thought-provoking piece.